Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
