Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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