she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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