please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
