Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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