Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
