i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
