The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
