My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sober January is a disaster.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
