god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Randomize
