i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
