genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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