I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
