I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
