I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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