best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
