imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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