false alarm. still invincible.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
