Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Im part way to drunk.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
