just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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