Sry I called you an 8
i was born a porn star she said
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My breasts were aching with rage.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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