My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
