I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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