arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
