420 ftw
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
