if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
