I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
