i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
