i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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