I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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