The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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