Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
