if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
