so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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