Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
