I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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