I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You are a genius and a whore.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
