i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Come see our sink grown plant.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Congratulations! We have a period
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
