when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My vagina is officially offended.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
