don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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