my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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