Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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