Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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