I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
