Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
