12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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