I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
