I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
