Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i think i have two assholes
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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