I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
