all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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