woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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