did you get engaged???
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
